Now you... you hold back. This one, I'll handle.
- Señor, buenos días. Necesitamos... - What do you want, gringo?
Oh, you speak English. Ah, that's great.
We understand that you have a car. We would like to rent it, or buy it.
We have to get to a town.
What do you call this I'm livin' in? A pigsty?
Uh... no, no. This is lovely...
- Hit the road. - No, amigo, you don't understand.
- Hit the road! - Señor, I'd...
Vaya con Dios, gringo.
It's cool. It's cool. It's... no problem.
Vaya con Dios.
Oh!
OK, Joan Wilder. Write us out of this one.
Joan Wilder?
Joan Wilder? The Joan Wilder?
- You are Joan Wilder, the novelist? - Yes, I am.
I read your books! I read all your books! Come in!
(Spanish) This is Juanita Wilder, who writes the books I read to you on Saturdays.
Juanita.
Juanita. ; Es Juanita!
- Come in. - Adiós, amiga.
I can't believe you're here. Joan Wilder!
I've been reading your books all these years.
I'm so honoured to have you here. I can't believe it.
Welcome to my humble house. Joan Wilder - ha!
Oh, I'm sorry. I haven't introduced myself. I'm Juan. I live here.
; Qué pasó! (laughs)
The greatest novelist! Get the door, please.
Buenos días.
Gringos? Americanos?
- Gringos? Americanos? - No.
(cries out)
Come in. Make yourself at home.
- Ever read The Return of Angelina? - No.
That woman... mmm... makes me hungry.
- How about Love's Wicked Kiss? - I haven't read that either.
Take it. I have many copies. I have here The Ravagers...
...and I am waiting for Angelina's Savage Secret.
I am so glad you're here in Colombia. I want to show you all around my beautiful village.
We have colourful tile roofs, typical cobblestone streets, and very rich fields.
- I was born here, and so was my poor family. - Juan, what I really want is a phone.
Ah, no, no. No phones, no phones. I hate phones. I don't have a phone.
But have a drink. Let's hang out.
Look.
- Like it? I can be in one of your books. - (chuckles)
Oh, your drink. I got Southern Comfort.
Or Michelob, Kirin, Becks, Dos Equis, Perrier, Anchor Steam, Doctor Brown...
- How about a Xerox machine? - Yes, but she is broken.
- Where is... the nearest phone? - Many miles from here.
- Can we get there in your car? - Who told you I had a car?
The men in the village.
They told you I had a car? They're such comedians.
They meant my little mule... Pepe.
Not bad for a little mule, eh?
Now Pepe's warming up!
- (Jack) What are we stopping for? - (Juan) I can't hurt my favourite pig.
(screaming)
- (Joan) Look out! - (gunfire)
(Jack laughs)
See over there by the fence? That's where my mother was born.
See that tree? The third tree up the ridge? My brother planted that tree.
(gunfire)
OK, Pepe, let's lose 'em.
- This guy's crazier than I am. - Gracias. Yeah!
- What the hell ya doin'? That field was cover. - I wanted to show you this other field.
- (gunfire) - Oh, shit!
This guy who's following you, he's very persistent.
No problem. My little mule is fireproof.
(whimpers)
- See that river? - The one without the bridge?
- It is the water supply for many villages. - What do you mean, without the bridge?
- (Juan) It feeds into the Amazon. - The one without the bridge!
- (Jack) Where the hell you going? - Lupe's Escape. I used it often in the past.
(screaming)
(laughing)
(cheering)
; Deje de disparar!
(cheering)
(Juan) You're OK now.
You need little mule to use Lupe's Escape.
That river is impossible to cross for 200 miles in either direction.
In fact, over that mountain...
...the river becomes wild. Muy peligroso.
Waterfalls, rapids.
Angelina country. Right, Joan?
- Whatever happened to Lupe? - (laughs) Ay-ay-ay!
- Terrible disappointment to family. - I can imagine.
He entered the priesthood. So I took over the business.
Is for the best. I'm not so reckless.
He might have ended up hanging from El Tenedor del Diablo there.
- It used to happen to bandidos. - El Tenedor del Diablo?
- OK. Hey, let's hit it. We're on a roll. - (laughing)
I'm sorry I cannot take you to Cartagena.
Beyond this town I am a wanted man.
But in the morning, there is always a bus. It will take you.
(engine revs)
Of all the things you can say to me right now...
..."I've lost her", Ralph, is gonna get the most teeth broken in your mouth.
If they're hiking through the jungle, there's nothin' I can do about it.
I have a car. I am not Tarzan.
I have been through every one-horse shithole for a 200-mile radius.
(engine revs)
You shoulda seen the river I had to traverse this morning.
So don't give me any of your crap, you gutless wonder.
You have been an embarrassment to me and the whole family ever since you were born.
- And one more thing, Ira... - (Juan) Joan.
You are the luckiest son of a bitch that walked the face of the earth. She's here!
- She's there?! - She's right here.
She's coming right toward the phone booth.
She's with some guy.
How do I know? She likes guys. So do you, maricón.
Señor, buenas tardes. Tiene cuarto para una noche, con baño?
- Yeah, all the rooms have baths. - Oh, that's great. You speak English too.
You wouldn't have a Xerox machine around here, would ya?
Yeah. We have one in the back.
I mean, it's big enough to take, like, map size?
Yeah. Complete.
Yes, I understand. I'll do that.
I talked to Elaine. She's all right. They'll wait for me to take the bus tomorrow.
- That's great. Slide, man. You're covered. - I don't know. He sounded so... smug.
- Who? - That bastard that's got Elaine.
Sure he is. You're bringing him what he wants - the map.
Yeah.
Well... I guess this is it.
Uh... I guess so.
Oh!
- $375. That was the contract, right? - Yeah. That was it.
The least I can do is buy you some dinner.
- Looks like it's gonna be a helluva party. - I'd like that.
I'll tell you what. I got a room in the hotel.
Why don't you go get cleaned up? I'll buy us some new rags.
- Number seven. - Seven? That's my lucky number.
Mine too.
It's just beautiful.
Thank you, Jack.
(# salsa)
(Jack) I think your writing's hot. It's great.
I mean it. I'm tellin' ya, I'm impressed. I am.
- You've never even read the book. - I know. I know.
I suppose...
...it's my way of living in another age.
If you did that, I never would have met you.
I got you something.
El Corazón?
(# calypso)
- Let's dance. - Oh, no. I can't.
- Come on. I'll show you. - I... uh... no.
- No. I... - Come on!
I lost my langostino.
; Señora! Agh!
Someday, if I had the money...
...l'd take you...
...and sail away.
Just the two of us.
Around the world and back again.
I promise you. I promise you we'd do that.
Why haven't you taken the map away from me?
What are you talking about?
I saw that tree today, the Devil's Fork, that's on the map.
- You know how close we are? - Sure I do. But what's that got to do with it?
I was thinking about what you said, about having more to bargain with.
Yeah. Your best way to help Elaine is to get that treasure.
Then you could waltz into Cartagena. You're holding all the cards.
I'd love to see you on that boat.
But, Jack, if we have to give it up to save Elaine...
Then we give it up. It's your sister!
Hell, yeah. Of course we give it up. But at least we've got the leverage to do it.
OK.
OK. Let's go for it.
Shh-shh-shh!
(PA); Reúne a mis soldados!
(Jack) He just won't quit.
(groaning)
(banging)
- What are you doing? - I'm hot-wiring the car.
Try the key.
(engine starts)
- There it is. That's the shrine. - Yep.
- (Joan) Let's go. - (Jack) Yeah.
Van por el camino de la virgen. No irán muy lejos.
Well, this can't be all. There's gotta be another clue here.
Well, landmarks change, things grow. All that stuff, you know.
- Oh! - (water flows)
Hey, you hear that?
Waterfall.
Look, Jack.
All right, Joan!
(Joan) Whoo!
- (Jack) You all right? - (Joan) Yeah.
Ohh! This has got to be it.
Hey, what... what does Leche de la Madre mean?
- Leche de la Madre? - Yeah. It's on the map.
It means "mother's milk".
- Mother's milk? - Yeah.
(Jack) I'll be goddamned!
Mama, I'm home.
- I can't believe I'm doing this. - What?
Digging for treasure... with you.
Jack?
Yeah?
You're the best time I've ever had.
Never been anybody's best time before.
It's a priceless statue.
Somebody out there's got a really sick sense of humour.
Wait a minute. My first book, Treasures of Lust...
...I hid the treasure inside the statue.
Ohh!
Jesus Christ, we're in a lot of trouble.
(cocks pistol)
Understatement of the year, asshole.
Is there anybody who isn't following you?
Put the goods in the bag.
Come on.
Now move it, before Batman comes home.
It's time I had a chauffeur, Miss Wilder.
- Hey, back off me, creep. Just back off. - Oh, I'm the creep, huh? At least I'm honest.
I'm stealin' this stone. I'm not tryin' to romance it out from under her.
Well, wait a minute. Going for the stone was my idea.
Ahh! That's what all the good con artists want you to think.
He made you think you needed it, you sap!
Get in and drive. Come on. Move it, move it.
Move it!
See how you like being stuck in...
Holy shit!
(both scream)
Get in!
- Which way do we go? - Follow that stone!
Mounties!
Hit it!
Ha ha haa!
; Vamos!
- Where the hell are you goin'? - Where am I goin'?
How about Lupe's Escape?
Where you goin'? Quit steering! You're not going anywhere!
(both) Oh, my!
What are we gonna do now?!
Jump!
(splutters)
(coughs)
Hey!
Joan Wilder! Hey! What a comeback!
(laughs) Yeah.
Man, I thought you drowned!
I did.
- You OK? - Oh, sure.
I'm great. I'm fine!
Only you're on that side!
- There's no way across this sucker. - You did this on purpose!
What the hell you talkin' about? We went over a waterfall!
Admit it! You planned this all along. I knew I couldn't depend on you. I knew it!
What's the name of that hotel in Cartagena?
Hotel Cartagena. What do you care?
All right. Now you just head towards the sunset and you'll make it. And I'll be there!
Oh. Yeah, sure. With El Corazón in your pocket. What about my sister?!
Well, they don't have to know about this.
- You got the map! - Well, you've got the stone.
- Yeah, but... - (gunshot)
- I'll meet you there. Trust me. - Ahh!
- What? - I'll be there.
(gunfire)
So you made it finally.
- Got the map? - Yes. I brought it. I want to talk to Elaine.
No, you can't talk to her till I get it.
All right, now look out your window.
- See the fort across the bay? The tower? - Yes.
You take a water taxi right outside your hotel.
You meet me there in two hours...
...all by yourself.
(hangs up)
- Hello? - Has Jack Colton checked in?
In the last two minutes, no.
(thunder rumbles)
(man) Over here.
Stop right there.
- Let me see the map. - Where are you?
- Let me see the map. - Let me see Elaine.
Joanie?
Drop the map and back off.
If this isn't genuine...
If you've pulled a fast one...
Joan Wilder...
...you and your sister...
...can go!
(laughs)
It's OK.
- (gunfire) - (screaming)
I missed you at the hotel.
We all did.
(footsteps)
You brainless broad. You let him follow you here.
; Vamos!
This map is nothing.
They already have the stone.
(groaning)
I had it in my hands, Ira.
These hands that are gonna break every bone in your body.
Later.
- Where is it? - I... I don't know.
- Where is the stone? - I don't...
We dug. We didn't find anything.
; Tráiganla!
(whimpering)
Crocodiles shed tears when they eat their prey.
You have heard of these tears, I am sure.
But have you seen them?
- (screams) - Stop it! Stop it!
Oh, no!
Look at those snappers.
(Zolo) You can forego this agony. Simply tell me, where is El Corazón?
Where is the heart? Where is the stone?
All right! All right. Just let her go, will ya?
- She doesn't know where it is. I've got it. - Where is it?
- It's in a safe place. - Where is it?
Where is it?
- (groans) - (cries out)
Choke on it.
Thank you.
(screams)
Get down!
(screaming)
Come on.
Oh... Hurry, hurry.
All right, muchachos. Bring the boat around!
Hold them down! Let me get to the boat!
(coughs)
Just a little more. Come on.
; Muchachos! ; Ándale!
(Ira yells)
Ira! Ira!
- Come back here, Ira! - Jump, Ralph! Jump!
- I can't swim! You know that, Ira! - I'll come back for you!
- You promise? - I'll send the boat back for you, Ralph!
- When?! - Soon!
- How soon?! - Very soon!
No! No!
Where do you think you're going, pal? Come on. Cough it up.
Wait! Wait!
Joanie?
How will you die, Joan Wilder?
Slow like... a snail?
Or fast... like a shooting star?
Oh, my.
- Jack! - (grunts)
Jack!
Come on, you bastard. Give me a break.
(cries out)
Damn it!
(pulls trigger)
Aagh!
(screams)
(growls)
Jack!
It's OK. It's OK.
Come on back, Ira! Ira!
You're my cousin, Ira. Don't you remember?
- Your mother, my mother! - (sirens wail)
That way! That way! He's gettin' away!
- He's got it all. Go that way! - Let's get out of here!
- Joanie? - Yeah.
OK. Here's what we gotta do. Get to the American consulate. Tell 'em everything.
- Where are you going? - They might even believe you.
But don't mention my name. Cartagena cops and I go way back.
- Elaine, it's been a pleasure. - You're leaving?! You're leaving me?
You're gonna be all right... Joan Wilder.
Yeah.
You always were.
Jack Colton!
Damn.
(woman sniffs)
(snivels)
Well, that is far and away your best book.
I can't believe how fast you cranked this out.
- So you really like it? - Like it? Look at me! I'm a mess.
It made me cry. Don't tell anybody or I'll cut your heart out.
I love the end where he dives in and swims away.
Then he meets her at the airport. They sail off around the world together.
God, I can't believe how this got to me.
Well, I was, uh... inspired.
Joanie, you are now a world-class hopeless romantic.
No. Hopeful.
Hopeful romantic.
No, thank you. Nope.
Never wear 'em.
You can wear it right now. Five dollars.
(Joan) Hey!
- I like your boots. - Yep.
That poor old yellow-tailed guy developed a fatal case of indigestion.
Died right in my arms.
I can't blame him. If I were to die, there's nowhere else on earth I'd rather be.
I couldn't stop thinking about you. I even read one of your books.
- Then you know how they all end. - Yeah.
- Hi. - Hi.
Visiontext subtitles: Julie Clayton
ENGLISH HOH